48.5 - The story of rising above.

First of all this post is not for the people who dislike me or my blog or the ones who have the false assumption that they know me. Please if you are anyone from the above you can right away close the browser. And for my real readers and friends please do read it.

“48.5” It all started with this simple figure but you can’t even imagine how it changed my life. Those are the marks I got in my SA I (Terminal) Exam in Mathematics. For everyone else it was just me hitting a bad shot and getting out. But for me it was as if my whole world came crashing down to me. It was a right away stab at the self confidence I built up all my life. It was a black stamp on my personality. It was a disrespect from my side to my Academic self. I abused myself with those marks. Many of you must be thinking that I am over thinking and I was but I never knew at that time that I would get punished so hard. All I knew was the phrase “There is no use to cry over spilt milk” didn't have the slightest of existence in my vocabulary. I cried during the whole lot of day I got those marks. And I cried hard. My Maths teacher moreover all my teachers and friends were trying their level best to calm me down but was I even listening ? The only thing going on  in my mind was “48.5”. It was like a echo that kept on repeating and repeating till I slept from crying. But in my nightmares too it didn’t  leave me. I remember waking up shouting “Just leave me alone!” and then… I never knew that over thinking on it would change the person I was. I became quite.  I won’t talk like... I used to..leave that I won’t talk at all. The first people to realize something wrong with me were my friends. Because when a person who can be so irritating with her not stop talking suddenly stops even uttering a word, its not normal. They kept on trying to retrieve the old me but I knew nothing but “48.5” I even withdrew myself from things I loved the most. I would not sit on my computer and surf net. I won’t watch TV. I would go out for walk. I won’t listen to music. Photography was the word not known to me as if. And all other things I enjoyed or I was good at. Because ACADEMICS is one of those and I had failed it in. My confidence was trashed so severely that I began thinking that if I am not able to score marks I can’t now do anything else. I don’t deserve do anything else. And it was not like I was met with any severe scolding or punishment at home or at school. Rather seeing me shattered like that no one would even mention it. But I was so self obsessed with “48.5” that even if someone asked me a question I would think like “Okay, so he is trying to check if I know this or not?” And in such negativity I would end up answering wrong even the simplest of the things and in turn my non existent confidence would weaken more day by day. It was just another day in my Maths period where I needed to write “Q.9” in my notebook. I could not remember how to write “Q”. I am not exaggerating its true. I turned the pages to remember to write “Q”. I was sweating as hell cause the no.s followed the answer and I was trembling to write. I began crying and noticing the shivering my teachers go scared. I still remember how worried my teachers were when I could not write. They never expected it from me. No one can expect it from a student so bright going dull and dull and dull and then forgetting things. That day when I saw my friends, my mother, my teachers crying for me  I decided to end my life. I said to my friends I want to commit suicide and I still remember the hallucinated expressions on their face. They tried shouting on me, hitting me , beating me but I won’t I won’t just…. Reply. I was tested for all the test no one of 14 has to. Thyroid, blood pressure, cancer, glucose level, hormonal problems everything. Our family doctor had to even ask me if there is any other reason other than “48.5”. Finally, I met my counsellor. Student counsellor. She asked me various things. Actually, everything. She even asked me to cry if I feel like and letting it all out I was relieved. But not completely fine. My friends, parents, teacher didn't want the marks or grades back but they wanted my me back. The old me back. And with some treatment I was. And now its even hard to remember that whole one month again. My own  regretful self back. It is almost as hard as anything in the world. I am not ashamed but I am just regretful as I wasted such a beautiful month of my life and even wanted to destroy it forever. But I raised back. And I am back stronger. From good I got down to worst but only to rise back as best. Everything I am today is because of this incident and I would remember what I learnt from it forever. I am not writing this as to gain an sympathetic behaviour or anything but I know that out there, millions of "Aditi's" don't only think of committing suicide but do it too. And for all of them and as is the motto of my life today, "Mathematically" there is something known as Negative Infinity, and beyond that there is nothing lower. So when in the graph of your life, you feel that you are on the negative infinity just remember that you can only and only RISE ABOVE. And then worry when you are on positive infinity. For me the meaning of my name itself is INFINITY. Today, people say a lot of things about me. Shit about me. But I am like.. okay. I don't care a damn as I am happy. And I know the price I had to pay to get myself back from the harshness of life. So today I am not who I am to impress every damn one of you but for myself. You may call me selfish and with pride I am.  I have learnt that meaning of life that most of you haven't even heard about so just go to hell. I am not worrying myself with any of this bullshit. And not should anyone out there too. You are what you are for yourself not for anyone else but you. You know what you desire from life more than any one else. So stop living in a false identity and being uncomfortable in your own skin trust me I know how it is. So promise yourself today that now on you are going to live our life on your terms.

"I rose above all odds to only fly high, not to be held by any damn insecurity." 
Aditi Tiwari

Image source : www.desktopaper.com 

The quotation is anyway original and edited using Picasa 3™.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2015. DBA.     

Expeditious Experience!

A glittering expression was evident on my face from the moment I stepped out. It could be easy going day at school. I rarely have them.  Or could be my new Asus Zenfone 5 I got delivered today. But whatever it was I was happy. Strange. Spending time with a friend reading horoscopes and going like "Exxxaaaacccttllllyyyy!!!" every single time as we found that fascinating. And sharing secrets with another and spending quality time together after a very long time of her never ending series of exams. 12th!!  But the best part was going out to play badminton. I started with another friend of mine. BTW misanthropists !! I do have some friends. The whole humanity does not hate me. Badminton is always fun but the talk we do during that is just a jewel in crown. It varies from lot of leg pulling to some serious satires on someone's Englishs Ruchikas thiss the ones fors the yous.  And then having my favourite twins I have ever met Gaurang and Shivang return from somewhere and just acting as if we met after years. Their sis Anonymous di politely asked me for the racket and I handed it over. I went back to my Asus which was unjustly fit in my pocket due to its larger-than-reality-size. The conversation with the only sane person in the group was kick started with the casual topics like sibling rivalry , as we all are and we criticized our counter parts. And then to career and it did strike the chord when she too studied in Pune. And then for a while it was about Pune as my sis to is studying there.  Then SC ST Reservation, always the topic of utmost criticism, came in and she mentioned casually that she belongs to OBC , and for a second I was like did I struck the wrong note this time, but no she belongs to OBC, MP. "Oh! MP!! Where from?" "Ahh.. De... Indore." "Indore or Dewas?" "Actually Dewas." That was the total power start for the conversation. You belong to my state, my place and we meet in some other place, I just loose all my sanity and formality I was holding since and I am a completely different person now. And then it seemed like it was no end for us to talk. Dewas is  my home town and situated about 150km from the capital, Bhopal. Its not a very lavish or posh city but just the best feel to being home. My family has been there for like since my Great Grandfather so its like even though I have not been there for more than 2 years of my life yet every shopkeeper is like "Arre yeh to Anil Bhaiya ki choti wali beti haina!" Di belongs to Adarsh Nagar and having so rooted relations I have relatives in every nook and corner of the city. We talked from Ratan wale ke Pohe & Jalebi to The Holy Temple of Tekri to going to Dewas by train and having samosas in Ujjain. After about 15 mins it seemed like we have known each other for a long long time. Her mother called her out as di just came from college. But its a different connection when taking to someone who may seem to be just a far off relative. "So, what's your name?""Aditi. And aap." "Surbhi!" Divya di was like, "Yaar tum log kab se baat kar rahe ho and abhi introduction ho raha hai."  And we both we like if talk for some more minutes we would definitely be relatives or aik shop yaatoh aapki hogi yaa aik shop meri! And we all just laughed it out. For moments like this to share I sometime cherish and feel proud of my extrovert and light hearted behaviour. 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2015. DBA.      

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Día De Fotografía!!

"Photography is not about capturing the extra ordinary things, but it is about capturing ordinary things in an extra ordinary manner."  Aditi Tiwari (That's me 'jerk.')

For the first time I went for a day out only to talk to random unknown people, take crazy photos and just eat. I felt like another host of Fox Life. Laughing along with unknown people you have just met is an exceptional feeling. And with your Mum along with you, it just can't any better. Khopoli, is a small town comfortably embracing the valley of the famous Lonavala and Khandala mountains. Not very densely populated Khopoli is quite of a place to reside in. Education, Medical Care, fresh food, water and well managed by the transport lines Khopoli is urbanising from a village to a city. And today I was there for only 3 reasons. TRAVEL. FOOD. PHOTOGRAPHY. Maybe travel could be replaced with shopping, but for a girl like me they are just synonyms. Planned for days, this first ever kind of day out proved to be simply awesome and gifted me some many new experiences. As for the idea of it I was really excited. With a camera in my hand, mum by my side, I roamed interestingly at every shop of the Khopoli Thursday Market. Its kind of a... fair maybe just stretched along both the sides of the road aimlessly for about 1.5 km and having products ranging from land to sky. When I first came I thought only to click photos of food. But the instant will to talk to the strange salesmen and just click a few photos sparked inside me and I began with a poker smile. Gradually, the smile turned to be more and more genuine as I learned how to talk to someone rather manofy them to let you take some pictures. It was a hell lot of fun. Cracking silly jokes is a part of my nature and that actually was entertained rather taken as irritation. It was a huge learning experience and collecting photos for your blog and getting so much to learn and enjoy is a  star wala treat. Pani puri, Ganne ka ras, Vada Pav, Bhajiye and lots of shopping. ( I regret not having Dabheli.)  I crashed at my seat in the bus when I saw 2 of my wildest nightmares coming to me. My pals from 12th were there too and so the session of cracking taunting jokes continued as all of our mums enjoyed complaining about each one of us. The perfect end to the perfect day, Indian style. The insanely amazing part is I haven't changed yet after coming from market and blogging about it when I should be sleeping to get on time tomorrow.     

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© Aditi Tiwari 2015. DBA. 

Sleepy Quotes : A Khurafat of my mind (thanks!!)

Blogging has always been a surprise gift in my life that I discovered lately. Blogger has been the foundation of that dream. Today when the blog completes 1.5k views I am very happy as a proud owner of the blog. For all the readers thanks for being such an avid part of my life. Thank you all for supporting and enjoying this blog as much as I enjoyed writing it. And while the writing of this blog I also discovered and founded another blog that is Sleepy Quotes. The wordpress blog has also been a vivid beautiful part of my tiny writing experience. But today I am basically here to share with you all that along with my many other friends like Aayushi di, Rupali di and of course Tanya di (btw your poem was awesome) and many more poems and articles were  published in our school magazine "Blossoms." Its not a big thing though, its just a step ahead in our poetic or authorit careers. I would never have got the confidence to submit the poem if I didn't write this blog and moreover was not supported in it. All the readers thanks a lot for appreciating the blog and I would keep on writing with the same confidence only if you all support through! 
Thank you. Cheers!!

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge!

Come fall in love. Releasing on 20th October 1995, I see it today after 19 years. And it would definitely be my all time favourite movie now. No one can even compete to the legacy set back by DDLJ. The best story ever told, the best star cast ever set, the best end ever directed, DDLJ remains unbeaten. 

I fell all over again for Shah Rukh after watching his astounding performance. The small bits just took the attention. And my God Kajol was even more breathe taking than him. I mean she was soo wonderful even if she was not much experienced then. The lovely couple did an amazing job fulfilling the role. Sir Amrish Puri proved himself in the first song itself and the song Ghar aaja pardesi is too nostalgic. I can almost resemble to Chutki and how can I forget the mother all of us want. I am so engrossed in the film that I ownloaded all its song and they are my current playlist. 

"Bade bade dehson main aisi choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain."

"Agar yeh tujhe pyar karti hai toh yeh palat ke dekhegi ... palat ... palat!"

"Agar tum galat raaste par chaloge ... toh ho sakta hai shuruvat mein tumhe bahut kamyabi mile, bahut khushiya mile ... magar anth mein tumhari haar hogi ... aur agar sahi raaste par chaloge ... toh bhale hi shuruvat mein tumhe kadam kadam par thokarein mile, musibaton ka samna karna pade, pareshani ho ... magar anth mein hamesha jeet hogi."

"Sapne dekho, zaroor dekho ... bus unke poore hone ki shart mat rakho."

"Toh kya hua agar maine jhoot sirf tumhe paane ke liye kaha tha ... toh kya hua agar tumhare chehre ke sivah mujhe koi aur chehra dikhai nahi deta ... toh kya hua agar tumhare naam ke sivah mujhe koi aur naam yaad nahi rehta ... toh kya hua agar yeh awara tumhe deewano ki tarah pyar karta hai ... toh kya hua ... pyar sab kuch toh nahi hota na."

"Koi bhi ullu ka patha sirf ek angoothi pehanakar tumko mujhse nahi cheen sakta ... tum meri ho, sirf meri."

Apologies!! LOL!!

It takes courage to recognize your mistake, it take more to apologize, but it takes the most to forgive and I am proud to have such courages friends. The roller coaster that my life had been of wrong decisions, wrong people, wrong friendships and wrong ending it all got sorted today. Being back to my old friends is the best feeling ever. 

And today was yet another hell of a day. Finally finishing our exams. Actually practicely finishing our exams as the Finals are yet there but we celebrated in the best way possible. Canteen ka vada pav is a must if we all are partying. And then roaming around the whole campus lazily clicking photos selfies and then playing the longest and and most interesting truth and dare of our lives of 29.59 m was in itself a fun. I am being to happy about it as I took the whole video and damn it was fun. And then singing songs had to be done as all the toads we are we would croak. Lastly bitching naa ho aisa ho hi nahi sakta. So we bitched.

But the most memorable part would always be when I apologised to my dear friends on being a complete bitch and choosing the wrong people over them. I was mad to do that. But the fact that they took me back again with no attitude would always be there in my heart forever. It was the laziest and the most enjoyable outing we have ever had other than Gujarat. (ovio!)

Forgiven!!

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Under the tree III

Continued

DISCLAIMER

Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co incidental. This is a work of fiction and would be appreciated to be taken the same.  

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Months passed and their relationship went through a turmoil. Ananya screwed up the whole relationship. At least according to Aarav she did. And Aarav wasn't ready to tell her what is the reason for this separation. He just said.

"Just rid yourself off me."

"Okay."  

That was the conversation she had with him. It was her fault. Okay. What was her fault? She didn't know. Maybe something related to her extrovert behavior with his class and her growing friendship with one of his classmates. But he just won't tell her and came up with the lame thing that "Ask anyone in your class they would tell you." But why can't he tell her. For once didn't he care at least  that much to tell her the reason that he distanced himself so much from her that he blocked her number. After ll of this it came down to this. 

It was his birthday and Ananya could not even wish him and this feeling kept eating her from inside. If only she had tried harder. But this was it. She was either wishing him or committing suicide. Okay not suicide. But damn she was missing him. And she wanted to wish him. She was dying to wish him. She wanted to wish him and her wandered that if if and only if they had been in a relationship how would she had wished him... 

The clock stuck 12 and she called him she thought it to be busy but it rang anyway. He picked up the called and said in his sleepy grumpy. 
"Happy Birthday muffin."
"Thank you!"
"Abb toh tu aur bada hogaya mujhse."
"Hmmmmmmmmmmm."
"Tu soo raha that like seriously?"
"Hmmmmmmmmmmm."
"Bye!"
"Hmm?"
"Bhens hai tu kabe hmmmm hmmmm kar raha hai?"
"Hmm hmm!" Giggling.
"Jaa mar jaake!"
"Haan birthday par bhi yahi bol tu." 
"Arre itne acche mood ka pakoda bana diya tune."
"Seriously, Pakoda?"
"Yo!"
"Aur bol."
" Chal live long and have a great great life ahead and all the best for the paper tomorrow I mean today."
" Yaa long life with you on my side."
"Accha. Who is on a break BTW."
"So what yaar?"
"Chal bbye take care. I love you."
"Hmm."
"Why won't you reply?"
"I don't know bbye. good nyt."
"Good night."

She imagined the conversation as she could not take it anymore. This was the limit. She can't take the guilt anymore. He likes it or not she is wishing him no matter what. She picked up her cell and called him.
The End.
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This thing with bed!!

Thinking about how vividly my life has changed in the past couple of months I lay straight on my back and wonder how can I screw this fucking much. The habit of getting too close to someone too soon was surely taking its revenge. From fun filled my life had turned to tragic. And I from subtle to jerk. But now I know I have a few people important in my life and I am adamant to restrict the list right and there. 

And I now could not get any sleep. Great. Once I cross the 12 mark staying put I won't get any sleep. Awesome. I tossed and turned 1000 of times but nothing changed. So I changed my mind if I can't sleep I won't. I tossed for the last time and looked upon my tablet that slept so peacefully so I disturbed it by flicking it on and I knew that the battery won't last long so I picked it up marched to the living and connected it to the charger. I filled my self  a tupperware full of water. While studying these days my throat often goes dry and I have grown to drink much more water. So i yanked up my neck and began checking the pdfs' I had. I chose the one I had read a while back and but I remembered it faintly. Anyone but you by Jennifer Cruise (Great book BTW. Do read.)

I read the book half and was sitting like my head down at the tab that lay a little down so when I arched my head up.... that pain is my most favourite one. I sighed of relief. Given the past events of my life this was so better. This was awesome.  I decided to read the rest of the book in the morning with some tomato pasta. However tired I get food never leaves my mind for a sec. So I went and tried to sleep but whom was I kidding? I can't sleep now when I know the book just turned me on. It took me a second to bring the tab back to my bed and sat in half sitting half laying position and began reading it again.

I love reading on my bed-sweet-bed. I mean its so freaking fun. Your back aches for a sec but then its heaven. The rooms all dark only the light from the tab. Your reading glasses twitched on your nose. (Of course I can't afford to get no. on my eyes again.) And not to forget the lil naps you can take after every chapter. Just closing and relaxing the orbs and memorizing the same chapter and how it must have went. The type of books I prefer memorizing is way too much fun. Romedy is well imagined in bed when the author with mere words set butterflies in the stomach you just ache to control the temptation and boy... its hard. Anyone but you is cherry on the cake a damn sexy novel. At times I imagined how Ranbir and Deepika would look in the film adaptation and I wonder why the fuck haven't they adapted this yet? Maybe Mila and Ashton could do it in the Big World. 

Well waking up to cheese sandwiches and Virat Kohli out for 4(8), I decide I may read another book because the dream world is way to bettar than the harsh reality.  

#Noregrets.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2015. Copyright

  

Under The Tree II

Continued

DISCLAIMER

Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co incidental. This is a work of fiction and would be appreciated to be taken the same.  

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They walked as if there was no tomorrow. Like someone would separate them the next second. For one maiden moment she would not let go off his hands as if scared to death by You-Know-Who. But this was them. They were way too cute and the bond they shared was way too faithful for the world to understand. Away from all they problems and grievances of life they walked in the dusk. With the beautiful chromatic sun reciting its final goodbyes they talked of life. Almost 16, what they knew about life was restricted to a group of friends, a bunch of subjects, few teachers and family. They were incognizant of the great trouble that awaited them on the q.t. 

"So you have class kal?"

"Yup and nope."

"What!"

"I mean yaa I have class and no I don't have class."

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Arre I mean hum mil sakte hain kal."

"Kaise?" Almost mumbling. 

"Kya?" A chuckle reverberated from his torso.

"Kaise?" Loud and clear.

"Arre! Our place. Library."

That word was enough to make Ananya grin from tooth to tooth with a light tint of blush. Library has always been exceptional to her when it came to Aarav. They would for hours sit there and talk about everything and nothing. Being the best of amigos they were they never needed a topic to chat. They could talk about even the most insane thing of the world. 

"Perfect!" With a wide toothy grin.

"I love that smile."

"I love that grin."

"I adore that face."

"I enjoy those hairs." Ruffling his hairs.

"I love these walks."

"I love this intimacy."  

"I want this to last forever."

"I wish this never ends."

And she hugged him firmly like he would just break if she won't handle him with love. And he tightened his grip on her shoulder. There were unfamiliar faces around them but they didn't care. All they knew was they have longed for this moment and now finally being there they are not gonna destroy it.

"So we will meet at 2 I'd be there." He said with the least amazement.

"Aww.. Its just tomorrow not a month that you sound that dull."

"I don't know sometimes I just feel so stupid to be associated with anyone. And then..." Cut in the mid.

"Shut. Just shut. We have had this discussion okay. And not a single part of me regrets anything of this okay. I don't regret us."

"But.." Again cut in the mid.

"See you know I don't care whatever they say okay." She patted his cheeks and kept her hand there. "I know what or whom I like or dislike and I love you Aarav so don't torture yourself with all this bull shit okay. Tu jaisa bhi hai mera hai and that's not changing ever."

"You rendered me speechless."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

"Why not "I love you too"?" Irritated.

"Style hai."

"Bohot bekaar hai."

"Achha. Now go bye."

"Bye. Take care."

"Yup."

Not a second passes by when she last saw him and her heart starts missing the count on its beats. He was way too special for her and damn she was serious about this. For the first time in her life she was confident. And that goes to the amusive bond of friendship they share. Time flew in its own grace and she relaxed on the seam. When her phone rings. She does not need to see the ID. She knew only one person to be stupid enough to call at this odd hour of night.

"So gayi thi?"

"Nahi."

"How are you?"

"Good. Kyun?" 

"Kyun means aise hi."

"Kya khaaya khaane main?"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." Devilish.

"I know now just shut up."

"Tune kya khaaya?"

"He-he-he-he-he. Sabji roti."

"Koi nai! We would go out and have non veg soon."

"Yaa soon means agle saal naa.1 mahine bas sun hi rahi hoon main yeh."

"Arre nahi pakka we would. Meri exams end ho jaaye we would go out."

"Okay! Ssup?"

"Talking to love of my life.You?"

"Replying to the love of my life." Grinning widely.

***

To be retained. 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2014. Copyright. All Rights Reserved. DDA

#resolutions2015

Study most

Enjoy more

Live

Open up less

Trust least 

Love & Be friends with NIL. 

Source : Experiences of 2014. Worst. Best. Year. Ever.

Goal : Be a highly introvert person, don't even trust yourself, don't talk to someone nicely, don't share things & talks because they could be used in 1000 of ways against you and go into some remote place if you can where no manipulator can find you blame you for a thing you never intended! 

#asrudeasever