#1

I don't know if you can get jet lagged without changing time zones but I definitely was. I had a late night flight from Mumbai to Bangalore yesterday and for some reason that escapes me I decided to take the bus home. My back has forgotten the time when it didn't pain. But luckily I am a corporate slave which means no matter what happens, if I was on WFH for an ENTIRE week, I report on Monday being the best possible productive version of myself or else it will start affecting my work. I can't grasp when in the world we decided that Microsoft Office rules. Right from the Roman Empire to Times New Roman we've come a full depressing circle. As I slog to my desk so that I can open the laptop and start the slavery I spot you already at your desk. Guess you are getting autos on time now. You are glued to the display of your laptop. 

I settle down at my desk which is a meticulously planned 8 step routine so that everything I might need during the 8 hours onslaught is at an arm's reach. The daily huddle is the newest addition to the list of things that I find completely useless in this organization. It takes place at exactly 10 am which means I have to be ready with my yesterday's and today's to-do-list which I know will be ignored blatantly and an ad-hoc work which doesn't even exist presently will be piled on. And the day will continue as it usually does. 

But it also means that I have precisely 54 mins left to see if you missed me. The thing is, you might have but quoting you, "if you don't communicate, how am I ever going to know?" Why is it so important that you missed me? Well. The geniously stupid that I am I still need validation for our friendship. I have had enough destroyed equations that have left me void of even a single unit of trust. And you have done your absolute best to ensure that I don't even find it again. Not by actions, yet. Your words were enough. More importantly, your advice to not believe a single word that comes out of anyone's mouth other that yourself. Especially when it concerns emotional matters. 

By the time I pyscho-analyze the situation in my head and we only have 23 mins left now. I give up on the hope that you'd notice me by yourself as you seem to be laser focused on your screen. I get up from my seat with my reusable plastic bottle that I often leave back in the office in hand and move towards the canteen. All the while making sure that I don't turn my head in your direction even for a second. I get to the canteen successfully and let out of a sigh of relief. I don't want to seem too eager to talk to you. I don't want to seem like the one with attachment issues. I walk back to my seat in the anticipation that you might look up. Till I reach my row, I notice your face. For the first time I can't make out what is going through that devil brain of yours. Usually you are an open book to me. Or so I would like to believe. But not today. Something's changed. Your eyes reflect a shade of excitement I have rarely seen before. But your eyebrows are twitched as usual when all of the world is trying to irritate you and challenge your patience. That's mundane. 

Not taking the turn to my row I let go of my previous inhibitions and make it to your desk, taking a sip from my bottle before settling it down next to your laptop with a slight thud. This finally makes you aware of my existence. You are shocked. Almost frightened. Startled enough to not find the right words to greet me. 

"You.. you.. are back? Already?" you said.

"Umm.. I was supposed to be back today. Right?" I replied.

"Of course. It must have slipped my mind. You know how sir is on Mondays right?" you blurted out.

While you try to put on the weakest defense I have ever seen since Nuremberg, you are swift in locking your laptop which is highly unusual and you are out of your seat now. The same one I thought you are going to be buried in till death. I am unable to process what exactly is going on but it has a hint of familiarity. People get tensed before the doom. 

"Canteen?" that's all you manage to say.

"After you." I replied as usual. 

You are quite till we make it to the corner sofa. Over the 3 months that we've spent in this particular office I didn't quite understand how this became a spot for confrontations, secrets, gossip and news. I still didn't quite know that the last one was true. 

"I got to tell you something. I haven't told anyone yet. I just found out." 

You said as we settled in the sofa. My heart sank. I knew what was coming. I could now decode the excitement that I saw earlier. It all makes sense now. Why you didn't move from you seat all morning. The radio silent WhatsApp chat since Wednesday. All of it. But I put on a smile, nevertheless.

"You got into Crompton?" I asked fully aware of the answer and how it is going to make me feel.

"Yes! How did you know?" You shout in the lowest possible pitch.

"It shows. You are practically glowing" I snicker and pat you on your back. 

I replace the smirk with the most genuine smile that I can muster in the moment and I dare to ask you. 

"So, leaving us finally?" I let the words out and now they are true. It's not a figment of my imagination anymore.

"We'll see. How was home?" 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2024

Respect > Love

Two of my friends asked me, "Are you pissed?" "Are you alright" just because I didn't reply to them the way I usually do. I subscribe to the theory that my mood shouldn't define someone else's. I don't like being the person who can't look outside of their selfish world. But the past few days have been different. Being 22 isn't as easy as I thought it'd be when I was maybe 16. I just wanted to be 22 then. And now I just want to be sixteen again. To be that naïve and innocent. I have had this chat with myself lately about how I can no longer expect anyone to be good to me just because I am good to them. I guess it is a human tendency to not care about the people who care about us and always want the one who doesn't want us. The friends I am behaving rudely to genuinely care about me, but I am helping out another friend who felt so guilty about taking my help. Do you know why did she feel guilty? Because there is no friendship left there. We used to be really good friends, but we can't even speak to each other on the phone now. I don't know if she's afraid of it getting overboard again. I know what I am so scared of, though. I am afraid of myself. There might not be a lot of people I can cross oceans for. But there are some, and once I have reached that stage in any equation, it is damn difficult for me to retract myself. Trust me, and I tried hating her. I even now keep reminding myself of the moments she made me feel like shit. But I help her when she doesn't even need my help. That's how much I respect that person. And that is something I have come to realize. It is not about wanting to do something for a bond because you want it to last longer. Because I know there is nothing left in this bond. The shade of grey that it is stuck in is the awkward formal talking to each other just because it is too damn difficult to let go. And there's always this assurance that if everyone else disappoints, there's one person you can most definitely trust. And it is difficult to let go of someone you can depend upon and who has proved it time and again. But that doesn't in any way mean that you can abuse that vulnerability. It takes guts to talk to someone you have shut down so many times previously. It takes a lot of effort to recognize that you judged a person wrong and treated her worse. And it takes immense strength to talk to that person again. And you need to respect that. You need to understand that while it might be hard on the receiving end, the burden of guilt is always more significant on the other side. It is your unsaid responsibility not to let them feel that burden. Because if you respect a bond enough, you will always allow the person to go. The realization is not easy that their happiness lies outside of you, but it is essential to accept it. We must realize all who we meet aren't meant to stay in our lives forever. And it doesn't happen overnight. All of us love challenging the universe and working against it, but trust me, the universe knows better. And it is of paramount importance to realize that you don't lose a person just because you don't have the same kind of bond with them. You need to understand that bonds and equations and relationships keep redefining themselves at every point in time. I believe that if someone is happy staying close to me and being involved in my life internally, they can do that. But I am a strong proponent that if someone is comfortable being out of life but still wants to talk to me, it does not always cause they want something from me. It may be that. But it might also be because the closer you are, the more you hurt. Being detached is peaceful to an extent. It might not be fulfilling, and there may be times when you feel hurt and lost, but it is still significant. You can't blame someone for protecting themselves. Detached equations are just another coping mechanism. But always ensure respect in any equation cause you can easily do away without much love, but you will reach nowhere without respect. And that's why maybe I may not seem alright to some people cause I re-evaluated my stance on equations and reacted accordingly. 

Refresh.

Distance will tell you the real meaning of closeness. Surprisingly enough this was a post of a meme page that struck a cord and made me write this one. Well those were my exact thoughts at 1.57 am when I was endlessly scrolling my Instagram. I had just finished reading yet another blog for CAT preparation and come to think of it I guess I've spend more time reading these blogs than actually implementing what I read. Life right now is actually going pretty well to be writing. Given that I only write when I am facing and emotional turmoil or a nervous breakdown. I am quite sorted with my prep though it might not be as much as those blogs recommended I feel that I am in a comfortable position. I have started reading novels again. Chetan Bhagat. I hope that still counts as reading. I've been watching an ceaseless array of movies of every possible genre. And also I've been reading business related articles which I find really intriguing. I've been meaning to add some more things to my reading list and will do that hopefully in the coming week. But these are the things that I've always been pretty comfortable around. The real change still remains to maintain the balanced emotional quotient. For quite some time now I've felt that the more detached you are from people the lesser are the chances of getting hurt by them. But then you crave that intimacy at some point. When you have something great to celebrate or a shoulder to cry on or to blow off steam so you don't get anxious again. If you are maintaining a distance you can't just abuse it when you like. Being detached also means that you'd have to go through all of the above stuff on your own. But let me tell you something, however sad it might seem it is really empowering to not feel that need for someone to be there for you 24*7. That does not mean that I have given up on humanity altogether. Instead, I have taken time from way-too-involved friendship and devoted it to some which might actually have a chance to be great someday. I have reconnected with a couple of school friends who seem to be genuinely interested to listen to what I have to say rather than brag about that personal lives all day long. Plus it's so refreshing to have a change of topic in conversations. To learn something new other than stupid nonsensical gossip. At the end if the day what matters is who you wanna talk to and who wants to listen to you talk. Rather than just waiting for their turn to speak. Cheers!

Aditi 💫 

Southside Serpents

 It's been a while and I thought I'd scribble something so that this blog isn't dead neither is my liking towards writing. So I'd been watching Riverdale again because I kinda skimmed it the last time and regardless of all the drama that the show has which is a lot, the thing that stand outs every time is the friendship. May it be Veronica & Betty or Archie & Jughead or even Cheryl at times that's the thing I love the most about the show. How no matter how hard it gets they all stuck together. 

Real life friendships are often more dramatic than a teen show. And it just gets complicated over the years. Like you think you know someone but you never know what time reveals. Well I have had my fair share of friendships and all I know about them is I enjoyed them. All of them.

Whether it is my childhood friends whom I had know since I knew there was a subject called Social Studies or some whom I met on a train journey and never met again because what are the odds of that happening but every one of my friendship taught me something valuable about life a lot more that any of the textbooks ever could.

While some taught me that no matter what may happen we'd find our way back to each other anyway. Even if we didn't talk daily or didn't exactly know what was happening with the other person right now it didn't matter. Cause we knew that the moment one of us needs the other we are just a phone call away. And that kinda trust didn't develop overnight. It took years of fighting, bitching, hating each other to say the least but at the end realizing that we are all on the same team because we are our favorite kinda people. And that's the thing about school friends no matter how many friends you make after them, their place in your life remains unchallenged, forever.

Then there are some people who we have nothing in common with. You aren't the same age. You don't go to the same school. Heck you don't have the same interests but somehow those are the exact reason you are friends with such people. They challenge you to do something new. They break the monotony. And believe me when things go down in the above paradise, these friends are the one who make you see clearly. From needing a different POV to watching a film of a genre who never thought you were going to, these people are exactly what make life fun.

Friendships teach you how much it means when a person trusts you. Counts on you. And loves to have you around. It teaches you that its okay to not be perfect cause if you were heck bitch we wont be friends. But most of all it teaches us how to get trough life enjoying and cherishing every moment, how you are never alone in this strange world and how if you ever killed someone or did something more stupid not that I think killing someone is stupid (Its fascinating) all of your dumbass friends won't let you go down and enjoy prison alone.

Nostalgia

Revisiting the old moments is much more than what could be put in just a single word. Sometimes when we look behind we can't really believe that all that cringe worthy stuff was actually done by us and it creeps us out till no limits. But sometimes a few moments are so priceless that whenever we reminisce those we just don't seem to get enough. 

I sometimes miss the person I was. Especially in like 7th or 8th grade. That carefree spirit. No regrets of the past no future expectations. Just looking forward to everyday and making the best out of it. Life used to revolve around some friends, some shows and some books. School felt more like home than home. Life was easy back then or it still is. I guess all that's changed is me. 

As we grow up we tend to over complicate things. Life is still the same. All that's left to do is not let the 12 year old get pressurized by the unnecessary worrying of the 20 year old. 

After having caught a fleeting moment of nostalgia today I'll try to be the old me who knew to find happiness in small moments of life. Who didn't ponder too much on what other think of her. Who used to live life as it is. Who made sure that no day passed without being an awesome memory to look back upon. And most importantly who didn't fear dreaming and believing that they'll come true. 

- Aditi Tiwari 

The Middle

Beginnings and endings are the easiest, it's the damned middle that has all the hardships. Think about a 100m sprint. You know the beginning. You have practiced it a thousand times. And you know the end. You've dreamt about it forever. But it's the middle that decides who'll win the race. The right acceleration at the right moment and the continuous fight for breath to keep giving your 100% are the real challenge. Life isn't much different and people neither.

When you begin to know a person, it's all flowers and rainbows. You start getting to know each other. The very basics. All you know about a person in the start is what they've told you. There are so many people in our life that we know only till the beginning stage. Think about it, your classmates, your colleagues, your bosses. What you know about them is strictly limited to the details they want you to know. But it's our choice to know a person beyond this. That's the gap between acquaintance and friend. We start asking questions and judging the response. It is still the answers that we know but to the questions we specifically asked. We start learning things that shape our perception  about the person. And that's when it gets tough. When we develop a liking towards a person. 

You wouldn't mind if your acquaintance took a day to reply to your message but if your friend does the same you start questioning their position. We think of all sorts of possibilities when in reality maybe he's just been really busy completing a deadline. The point I am trying to make is as a person starts getting closer to you, you start setting some unconscious standards about their behaviour. And also you start noticing the little variations in the person's personality. Your knowledge about your friends now is not comprised of what they've let on but of what you've observed. We start expecting certain things. We start getting hurt by things that are in reality nom existent. And this is where most friendships get complicated. Rather than perceiving things as they are we start comparing them. We start over thinking minute issues that could have been easily resolved if they were ever brought up by anyone of us. It's this utter state of dilemma when we like our friend a lot but also are in a constant fear of betrayal. The things are as simple as they were at the start but we have reached the rocky middle. 

We just need to remind ourselves of the reason why we thought that this person could be more than just an acquaintance. We need to put aside our assumption of things and try to look at the reality of them. We need to cast aside the false standards set by everyone else and remind ourselves of all the good times we had in the beginning. We need to ponder upon the fact that if the person is so special and important to us then why should we let trivial issues in the way of our relation. I am not saying that there aren't relationships and friendships that must be ended for our betterment. I am just saying that we must not lose hope just because the going got tough. 

As we aim at simplifying things, the simpler they seems to appear. Complications are results of trying to do things before their right time. 

Individuality

02.01.2020

Thursday

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It the world full of tags and mentions people really forget who they are. It doesn't count as a new year if you don't post a pic of it tagging your best buds who in reality you don't even see that often. You are a bore if you saw the latest TV series but didn't put a snap of their logo on your story on the day it released. It is not considered travelling anymore if you don't upload a picture with a geotag. 

I've been there and done that. Trust me, the FOMO caught up with me as well until one day it dawned upon me that the moments I live will be exactly the same even if I don't post it online. We live in a world where you are judged by how you portray your life on your social media account. Like from the DMs to the CCs everything is judged and a superficial report card is made out of the no. of likes you got on a recent post or the no. of followers you have. But submitting to my FOMO I continued to do the above nevertheless. 

I was at a party and someone came up to me and said, "Hey how's your best friend?" Although, I had no recollection whatsoever of sharing this very detail with her. I just gave her a blank look and she remarked, "People know you by your stories (the uploaded ones of course) nowadays and not by who you really are." And I was left stunned. Because it was actually true. People who didn't meet me 24*7 had only my social media activities to judge me by and for them my life is just what I upload. And that's when all of my social media accounts went cold. For a while. 

In that moment of introspection, I thought to myself, Do I really wanna share what I pt up there or I have caught the viral FOMO? And the answer was affirmative. 

You are what you are. What somebody else thinks of you should not matter to you. Not even the slightest. They haven't had the same life as you did. They haven't seen the same storms. They haven't felt the same energy as you did and even if they did, they have no right to judge you. Nor should you care for their judgement as well. 

The human race exists because we all are different from each other. In the way we think. The way we act. And we should be proud of that. Own who you are and let the world decipher and gaze in awe to what a fantastic mess you are. It doesn't matter if you go out thrice in a week or not at all. It doesn't matter if everyone else is complaining about season 8 and you haven't even heard the name of the infamous GoT.  It doesn't matter if you still prefer Sheila ki Jawaani over Taki Taki. You know why? Because it is who you really are and not some borrowed personality made up to impress a world that can't appreciate the reality. 

In a world full of hashtags be a symbol you like the most. ™

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© Aditi Tiwari 2019. 

The Platform Discussions

There are several places that complement quality conversations. For some people it’s the cafes. For others it’s a quite spot in college where no one ever comes. Others like buzzing places with lots of noises in the backdrop so no one can overhear their conversation. Basically, the type of surroundings plays a role in dictating the dynamics of the conversation.

Me and my best friend spend our entire day together. Right from the moment we leave our homes till we leave college to reach home back we are ceaselessly in conversation with each other regard topics that vary from the usual – “What did you have for breakfast?” to serious in-depth conversation about the political scenario of the nation. She is one of those people whom I can talk to about the whole lot of things without getting jaded even once.

Yet, the best conversations we have are at the Platform. One of the most dramatic ones too. It is the end of the day. We leave from the college which is at walking distance from the station but the exhausted us take an auto rickshaw and even so we have to summit the great foot over bridge which seems as magnificent as the Everest. And so slowly and steadily we cross the bridge. Now earlier we used to bid each other goodbye and head the respective opposite ways with a mandatory confirmation that we both are attending the lectures tomorrow or not. But of late, unconsciously it has become a habit to discuss all kinds of stuff before parting ways.

Its an exceptional moment. The crowd around us is rushing to catch the train that’ll take them home. The other lot is rushing away from the station to quickly reach home. Everywhere the eyes can go there is a hurry in every step. People eager to leave and reach and there we are right where the foot over bridge ends and the platform begins. Both wanting to go home after a tiring day but also not wanting o leave each other so soon. And that’s the best part of the day. One eye fixed at the huge clock of the railway station and the other finding the platform for the next train that is five minutes later than the one that just left so as to prolong the discussion.

It is not that this is the last day of college. We are still half way to the farewell but it is just that we like spending our time together. Discussing our ambitions, inhibitions, reservations and perceptions. All we want is the train to be 2 minutes late so that we can finish an on going discussion because we know the value of that moment and quickly moments like this will become memories we’ll crave to recreate.

And thus, in the fast-moving lives we all must pause for a moment, and cherish the present. For it is all we have someday wished for. And it is something we will wish we had valued when looking back after some life has passed.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2019. Dark Blue Anecdotes™

After an year or so

I was just browsing through some videos on YouTube and came across a song that made me open my blog. I don't know why it just did and I realized that it has almost been an year or so since I last wrote. Its not like I can't think of anything to write about.. its just that I could not bring myself to write it down. So since my twelfth board exams concluded I haven't done anything productive yet and that it about almost three months. I got admission in the college I wanted and I am just waiting for it to start. I can't wait to meet new people and make new friends. You know maybe they are the ones that stuck. Or maybe not. And talking about friends and old one popped on my WhatsApp chat list few days back. It had been like five to six months since I had last talked to her properly. But that didn't seem to matter. We talked like it was just yesterday we had our last conversation. But then soon enough she stopped replying. But that's typical her.  But forgetting her and going back to the start of this post what I was really looking on YouTube was clips of a show I used to watch like an idiot. The Vampire Diaries. And my heart just goes out for the main couple in the start but things don't work out between them and they weren't exactly what I was watching. Actually the song I was listening to was one that played in the back when two of the people on show kissed for the first and BTW its a great song Yours By Ella Henderson. So on that note I'd like to end this post and hope that I'd be writing again soon. Till then goodbye.

... "Niether." "Either."

4th November 2017

Saturday

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96 days have passed since the last post on the blog and the resolution I took in that post but frankly speaking I think we have grown more closer since that post. I know you better than the four years put together. But yet you don't know me at all. 

 

But on the other hand you claim to know everything about me. Well now that's an issue because.

Everything you know about me or related to me should come from what you have heard from me. But in our case its everything you have heard from everywhere but me. And the sad part is you didn't        even ask me if anything you heard was true. You just believed the other person so easily. And the saddest part is the treasured chat that I saved as PDF in my mobile which I believed to be ours was me talking to a stranger and you let me believe that it was you for about five months and your reason for never telling me the truth about it was you thought I would have figured it out. Kudos to you! For as vividly I remember you were quite upset when I didn't tell you a thing that hardly mattered to anyone of us. I wish at that time even I could have acted like "I thought you already figured it out." But no. You got a full fledged apology from my side when all I got from you was sarcasm. You prefer that I should remember each and every little thing about you when you can't even remember the most common thing about me. Why is it so that every time you want me to be at my best possible behavior while you treat me like shit. And don't you think that all this is coming from me. As even when you treat me like shit, I do believe that at least there is a way you treat me in. But you know what enough non-existing people had told me to quit talking to you and just give up on our friendship but yet I had a hope that you would come back. That it would be like the extra-classes once again that once for all of this aside we'd be friends again. But sadly however blind I maybe to how you treat me the world isn't. And the world had to matter to me sometime. I could not let anyone anymore think that you could treat me like shit and I would go on tolerating it no matter what. Congratulations to you, you let everyone speak in between us even when you supposedly know that I hate it when anyone speaks in between the two of us. Until the last post only you heard to everyone else. But after that even I started paying some attention myself.

Its not that you treat me badly or something, its just that you never treat me the way I treat you and that my friend is the end of our friendship. Because friendship is a two way road and I am tired of walking all alone to reach a destination where you'll pick someone else mid-way.

Aditi Tiwari.

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©  Aditi Tiwari 2017. DBA™ All Rights Reserved.

I Miss You

30th July 2017

Sunday

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Its been 4 years. And yet today on a Sunday night when I was watching Castle (TV Series) binge on YouTube the first thing on my mind was you.

You taught me, more about myself, than I thought there was to learn. 

If it wasn't for you I would have never even tried to mend the faults in my personality that were the main causes of us spending each of the passing day apart but after four years of all of that I miss you. I miss that the only reason I used to go to bed was so that when I wake up I could call you and wish you good morning. I miss the nights where we wold talk every possible shit. I miss having someone for whom I didn't have to change settings under the Privacy head. I miss having a friend who didn't judge me no matter what.

I miss you. And each day that I have to look you in the eyes and pretend that I don't give a damn about you is so hard that to balance that amount of rudeness during the day I have spend tears repenting it at the night. 

You easily say that its you who is careless and worthless of my friendship but its very hard to see you behave so politely with everyone but me. Its almost trashing to not even bother about my last birthday with you but yet seeing you so excited almost two weeks before a mutual friend's birthday.

But you know what, I know you aren't going to read this and nothing I say even bothers you enough that you give it a millisecond thought but I had, I have and I will always care for you no matter what. Maybe I ain't deserving of your friendship but I can live with the guilt that I could never be a good and trustworthy friends to you but I can't live with the fact that you can't  even fake that you care for me. So as of today, I officially rid myself off your life. 

Aditi Tiwari

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. All Rights Reserved. DBA™ 

Trust

But like always this is also going to be an anonymous post. 

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22nd July 2017

Saturday

A Saturday and you were not there. Physically. Because the 12th yet, you haven't left my mind since. But its definitely hard to not see you there in front of me. Though our friendship never saw the 

bright sunshine because each we hope for a twilight we face a breaking dawn. and so was the last month. Its time that we talked.

 Talked. We speak with n-number of people daily. But we talk to only the ones we trust. Well trust is the chief fault in my personality. I give it often and gain it randomly but lose it daily. Trust issues are an additional bonus if you be friends with someone called Aditi Tiwari. But I never violated or breached trust. 

Speaking about something important to someone to a third person should not always count as a violation of trust. Maybe I trusted the third person. That's my bad that I never understand people. The problem is I never judge a person on hearsay and looks. Maybe I should. Because these days people are exactly how they look. Mean and Selfish.

But why do we let people in between us? Why always we give a third person the right into our friendship? Why can't it just be me and you? You call me your best friend? I am not. Because best friends sort their matters themselves. The don't publicly insult each other. And above all they

trust each other.  

I trust you. I hate you, do you hate me too?

 Aditi Tiwari

11.17 PM 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. All Rights Reserved. DBA™

Strangers... Friends... Strangers.

Aisa bhi kya milna, saath ho ke tanha
Aisi kyun saza humne hai paayi
Raanjhna ve, phir se mujhe jeena
Tujhpe hai marna,
Phir se dil ne di hai ye duhaai
Saajna ve, lakeeron pe likh di kyu judaai

22nd June 2017 

Thursday 

I remember writing a post where I mentioned a day like that won't repeat itself in the near future but I guess I was wrong and I underestimated my life. Because if a day like today repeats itself then maybe I wont write anymore. So starting your today cannot be good when you had a messed up yesterday. And so was mine. I fought with you and I said everything that I shouldn't have but so did you, didn't you? You just managed to piss me off enough to realize my greatest fear of all time. To abandon you. We always used to kid that "Do you seriously think I'll leave you? Just like that?" but yesterday I did. And I know you must be thinking I reacting on an issue that no of your other friends do but then am I like all your other friends? I don't know. Are we even friends? I honestly don't know. But then I asked you not speak with me for a while and I think you just.. Well read on because a couple of drastic things happened between that. So Business Studies paper and I was sitting in front of you (a different person than before) and you are glued to your notebook. I know we had a fight that we kept on hold for our exams but that didn't mean to ignore each other. I was yet there. Like everyday before. I was there but even you had to piss me off enough to leave with swearing and not even wishing you luck. And then till now we had no conversation whatsoever. I was heading towards the bus top with a couple of friends who have grown closer than you two I suppose. The people with whom I was supposed to leave were atleast halfway ahead of me. I had an urge every now and then to go join them but I guess fate kept me away as when I was about to cross the highway with a friend we saw our classmates rushing towards the middle of the road. The people whom I was supposed to belonged with at that very moment met with an accident. A biker lost control and hit one of my friends. And the other just fell from the impact. They got hurt but nothing major. Back home tired AF as routine I plugged in my earphones and started watching 13 reasons why. The plan was to watch one episode (11th) and get some sleep. But lately life wasn't going at all according to what I plan. So I ended up sacrificing my beloved sleep for completion of the first season. And then did I regret it? Not even a bit. It was just perfect! But then my enjoyment was short lived as I had to prepare for the Economics paper that is due tomorrow. That's all folks! Till now that's all. Oh wait I forgot. Yeah so when I went to walk after studies you (the first one) saw me. You did see me. Even if for a spilt second but you ignored me even faster. But I shouldn't fell bad, right? You were just.. I don't know 'following' me? Following what I said to not speak with me for a while. Then why did I feel so bad that here I am writing this fucked up post about you? About us? But then you left, I left, right? I guess what you and me are left with are memories and strangeness. Because from strangers... To friends... To strangers. Both of you. 

That's all. 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. DBA™ All Rights Reserved. 

Aisa bhi kya milna, saath hoke tanha
Aisi kyun sazaa humne hai paayi, Ranjhana ve
Phir se mujhe jeena, tujhpe hai marna
Phir se dil ne di hai ye duhaai, Saajnaa ve
Laqeeron pe likh di kyun judaai..

Read more: http://www.lyricsmint.com/2015/01/judaai-badlapur.html

Aisa bhi kya milna, saath hoke tanha
Aisi kyun sazaa humne hai paayi, Ranjhana ve
Phir se mujhe jeena, tujhpe hai marna
Phir se dil ne di hai ye duhaai, Saajnaa ve
Laqeeron pe likh di kyun judaai..

Read more: http://www.lyricsmint.com/2015/01/judaai-badlapur.html

Change for the good!

A day that won't repeat itself in the near future. I took a leave from school today to go the camp set up by the government for my learning license. We stood there from 9.30 to 1.45 straight for about four hours to get the work done. And then after coming back home I went to play cricket because however bad my legs
hurt cricket is love and there are days when I have no one to play with. So coming back to the point of writing this post was while I was going through my Instagram feed I found a page Quotes World which posts well know quotes from all around the world. So one of the quotes was "A year changes you a lot." And that's the last post I read today because this quote actually made sense. Not that the others didn't but this one left a major impact on me. Last year if we consider my eleventh standard then yes it has changed me a lot. And how.. Well read on. Frankly speaking I don't even know how did I finish a year so boring! I mean literally there is not one good moment to look back to. I have enjoyed far more in the one month of twelfth standard than the whole of eleventh. But then maybe this was the reason I changed. I look back to the chats with the person who is so important to me now and all we talked in eleventh was for exchange of notes. Just that. And I am a person who doesn't make friends with a lot of people. I mean I do but a very few of them really matter to me. And when in eleventh with probably no friend at all in the class I realized the smaller that list is the better. Because caring about more and more people is only going to bring disappointments in your life. Eleventh also taught me an emotion called patience. Because during the initial months of the commerce field I chose I would understand nothing taught in class and it all seemed so useless. The same things that are so fun now. That I often used to doubt my selection of stream. But that's when I told myself to be patient. And then with the flow of time things got smooth and now I am so in love with commerce specially Business Studies that I won't trade it for the world. My temperament also changed a lot. I was way too short tempered before. If you really know me you'll know what I am talking about and how much I have changed. Like even petty things would get me fired up AF. But now even in the most heated arguments I have learned to keep a cool head. With the exception of some people. Because out of all the things in this world, words are something you can't take back. So choose them wisely even when you are angry. And the last thing that the last year taught me was to choose your friends wisely. Though however I am yet not so good but believe me I am much better. Because when you have no one to share all your happiness and sorrows you feel kinda lonely but trust me it's much better than sharing those with the wrong people. At this moment if at all anyone really matters to me like their opinion is the first thing I seek whenever in dilemma, their text is the one that lights up my entire mood, their face is the first thing I want to see in the morning and they are the one whom I want to talk to right before I sleep. So a person like this, only and only one. And I hope this doesn't change because we both enjoy unshared attention for each other, by each other. The person's a she definitely. But I wont reveal who. I have other friends too but they don't matter this much to me. But then again if I spend a day without talking to her obviously my mood isn't the best but not that bad too as I have some other idiots who keep me distracted in their own weird way. So to sum it up eleventh was a learning experience and twelfth is showtime! That's all.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. DBA™ All Rights Reserved.

Somethings Are Best Unsaid

2nd June 2017

Friday

Ahh.. Today was a long day and I am in no mood to write this one at least but then the feelings will get bottled up and I am in no mood to face another outburst. So somethings are best unsaid. That's true. But can you really deal with something that constantly keeps eating you on the inside. I mean the more happier I pretend to be the more depressed I am on the inside. Is it a crime to care for someone? To get attached to someone? And moreover is it okay to really want someone in your life and what if you are unknowingly making them uncomfortable with your mere presence? How does that make you feel about yourself? Guilty? Well that's what I felt. Like seriously, I was feeling guilty about getting attached to someone. You know I have this thing. I feel that until I say something out loud it won't be true but today I bottled up the courage to state that it  hurts when you give your 100% in a friendship and don't even receive 20% in return. I could smile all day and put of a happy face and say that it doesn't matter but at the end of the day it does matter. and it does hurt. But then what are you going to do? Continue and make someone uncomfortable or back out completely? I was having the same dilemma and wanted to speak to someone about it. I called my bae but she wasn't there. I called my brother and he wasn't there. For once I felt that sometimes you gotta face the terrible things happening in your life yourself. But then I remembered an old friend to whom I haven't spoken for 2 straight years. But that was my last resort. I called her and it felt like just yesterday that I last talked to her. She didn't change even a bit. She heard me with all the patience in the world and provided me with some solutions so that I don't get trapped in a depressed web of feelings. Then my bae called me and her response was totally different. She wanted me to fight it with anger this time. She felt I was done being sweet but all that was because she can't see me like this. Broken. But at the end of the day I need to sort up things myself. Do I feel bad? Definitely. Do I feel good that I shared it with the person? Yes. Do I feel I jeopardized our friendship? I don't know. But now I am going to keep myself under check and not get attached to anyone. I need t shut that door if I want to live a peaceful life. Another piece of advice from my side, even if you get attached to someone a lot, don't show. They might not always like it. 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. All Rights Reserved. DBA™

Read : It's Good

Lately, I felt kinda detached to the habit of reading that I possess. But then I went over to Amazon and ordered for myself a couple of good books to read and got on track again. Reading helps you a lot. You can start reading at any point of age but make sure that once you start it don't give up on it quickly. It may take some time to get used to it and I know reading a 350 page novel is not everyone's cup of tea but here are a few tips to start reading as a productive habit. Try to break the book into parts and then read it. But before that you gotta start with picking up a book. Now there are tons of great books out there so which one do you read? Its easy. Just sort out your likes. It maybe the type of movies you like. For instance, I like romantic comedies so the same interest prevails when I read books. So it could be the type of movies you like to watch or the type of person you are also matters a lot when you decide which type of book to read. Illustratively, if you are an introvert then the books about crime and mystery may intrigue you. Or if you are an extrovert then books about romance and travel are the ones you may find your interest brewing into. So once you have picked a book of your choice, then you need to break it up. Now some people may suggest that you don't need to read the acknowledgement and the preface but I am totally against that type of notion. Reading about the writer may help you better understand the story because every other writer has his own way of writing and a particular point of view that is distinguishable. So, for a first timer reading 2-3 chapters in a day won't be a bad start.  And then when you make up speed you might read half a book in a day. Now reading is a very productive activity. When you read, you imagine the scenes taking place in your mind. You create the personality of the characters in your mind and mostly relate with one character more than the other. When you finish a book you are left with so much of the good stuff. You imagine how things would have been if a certain incident didn't take place in the story. You try to think with different point of views. The character which leaves the deepest impact on you while reading mingles with who you are. You extract subconsciously the traits of the personality of your favorite character and embody it in your life. Reading changes you as a person. It makes you better. You try thinking everything intellectually. It improves your vocabulary and if you read aloud (which is recommended) it improves your reading and speaking skills. Reading aloud with emotions and contrasting tones will help you to be a better speaker in life. At the end, reading leaves you with so much to wander about and makes you a better person than you were before you picked the book. So Read On! 

5 of the best couples in the history of TV

1. Castle and Beckett (Caskett)

The reason why I love Castle and Beckett from the infamous ABC Crime - Romance - Drama Castle is because they are nothing like each other. One is a best selling author and the other is a NYPD hotshot detective. They never made sense on paper but who cares? They were magical together. The chemistry they shared is something I haven't seen ever before. They were too good to be true. And thus they rank first in my list.

2. Chandler and Monica (Mondler)

Chandler and Monica from the Bright Kauffman and Crane produced F.R.I.E.N.D.S the famous sit-com caught my attention since the beginning. They are very cute and with Chandler's sarcasm and Monica's cooking skills they are going to go a long way. They started going out in the fifth season and were the first ones to get married of course after Ross's failed marriages. Well they were easy going and fun to watch.

3. Ross and Rachel (Rosschel)

Ross and Rachel are another couple from the Bright Kauffman and Crane produced F.R.I.E.N.D.S and they were a pretty great couple too. They went on and off again and again but that's whats unique about them. Even after breaking up so many time they would always find a way back to each other. Yes "We were on a break" and "I got off the plane" were some of the best moments of the show they were really good together.

4. Harvey and Donna (Darvey)

Harvey and Donna from the renowned USA produced Suits were a great couple. Though they aren't an official couple yet they share a great bond which is beyond the chemistry and relationships from the other couples on this list. They were absolutely perfect and a classy couple. We all hope that the cupid strikes for them soon. And admit it we all wondered what was the ritual with the can opener.

5. Nathan and Haley (Naley)

 

Nathan and Haley from the celebrated Warner Bros. production One Tree Hill were the reason I chose to write this post in the first place. Though being mismatched they were perfect together. They were really awesome and a dear couple. They set benchmarks for the upcoming shows and proved what it takes t be a perfect couple is just one thing - love.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. Dark Blue Anecdote™ All Rights Reserved.

Five Point Someone - Chetan Bhagat

Two States - The story of my life was the first book I ever read in my life. It was interesting I have to say. But Five Point Someone was something else. I didn't know why did it grab my attention in that boring library period when CHETAN BHAGAT written in bold grabbed my attention. There were two of them. Five Point Someone and Two States. I gave Two States to Sakshi and kept Five Point Someone for myself. I turned the book and read what it had on behind. It was not that interesting. I had to keep on debating with my friend that 3 Idiots was not completely based on it but had to settle for "Haan thodi-bohot hai." Then I began reading it and surprisingly enough it was better than what was written on the back of it.



Read the next post for the rest. 

Cooking.. and eating of course!

It was just another boring day of the never ending holidays you get once you face X. A relief and much needed break without the homework! But after some initial days of enjoyment you don't really have much to look forward to. And for me I follow a routine everyday. I'd wake up late and before my mind can register its already lunch time and the slow bore afternoon kicks off. Thanks to the new net connection I just think for a second or two and download a flick and watch it till its time that the outdoors are cool enough to road around in the colony. Coming back to dinner and going out again for badminton followed until the great Indian Premier League kept everyone glued to their flats. 

Well nothing is forever and thus this schedule bored me enough to make some changes. Rather than watching silly movies or sleeping today when I woke up I came straight to YouTube to look at some recipes while my stomach made abrupt noises declaring the hunger pang for breakfast. I am not a breakfast kind of person but I am human and I am seldom hungry. Well I've always enjoyed eating but cooking the food you eat is a different kind of joy you get. It always irked me to stand for hours in the kitchen as it was no inborn talent. But then spending some time in the kitchen when mumma would ask to turn off the flame after X whistles or just stirring the pan so as to it does not stick and burn made my dislike for cooking go away. 

Then came the turning point, as in every story has, I started watching then Fox Traveler and now Fox Life. Watching the chefs cooking with utmost joy and curiosity, I started assisting my mom in the cooking. Chopping veggies was something that I didn't acclaim as my cup of tea back then. Because surely it wasn't. And even now I can't complete a dish without getting some cuts. But you know the satisfaction you get after cooking a dish perfectly it awesome. And nothing till date compares to that. 

Now its a everyday routine to try something new because I get bored easily. To get your first cake right , to get your first bread right, your pasta or any curry and rice right really feels good. It was my first bread today and I kinda nailed it. It feels great to cook and eat and also get to listen to compliments for that. Cooking was indeed heredity passed on from mumma and papa both. I think it runs in the family. And on any random Saturday when papa is home and we cook I bet its better than roaming in a mall or at any other place. I love cooking now and it came at a leisurely pace as a surprise.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2016. Dark Blue Anecdotes™ 

 

Source : health-temple.com 

Why didn't you try harder ?

About 8,00,000 people commit suicide worldwide every year, of these 1,35,000 (17%) are residents of India, a nation with 17.5% of world population. Between 1987 to 2007, the suicide rate increased from 7.9 to 10.3 per 1,00,000, with higher suicide rates in southern and eastern states of India.  SAVE™ recorded with the US Government that Suicide is the the 10th major cause of deaths in the US surpassing homicide which ranks 17th. There is something wrong happening in the world or its just human behavior to say "NO, I Quit." to difficulties.

  

The following charts analyze a few aspects of suicides :

Source : http://scroll.in/article/694364/four-charts-show-why-indias-youth-suicide-rate-is-among-the-worlds-highest

As the earlier data states women have a higher suicidal tendency then men. And as per the multi-national sites' data females experience depression,  have suicidal thoughts and attempt suicides twice as much as men do. There is one death by suicide in the world every 40 seconds. Depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. Suicide is the 3^rd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-44 years. 

 In the light of recent events Pratyusha Banerjee and Jia Khan are the two beautiful souls we lost to Suicide. But these are only the known names. What about the unknowns?

All of the above are just some mathematical facts aligned statistically. But what is the real reason as to why people commit suicide. The utter feeling of helplessness and the thought that "I am not liked by anyone" or "no one wants me in this world" has often led to the final solution of suicide. And as to my sixteen years on this planet, suicide is never an impulsive decision. Its the result of long hours of staring at the ceiling thinking nothing or maybe over thinking everything. If you are busy 24*7, thoughts like these would never cross your mind. But if you had had a rough experience with life and you keep on analyzing it again and again. Replaying it like a record in your mind. You just click Repeat again and again. Even till this point its bearable but when you start blaming yourself for every small thing happening around you after that experience the problem starts brewing in the caldron of your depressed state of mind. Learn to let go is something the human brain does not learn in a day. My neighbor came to my house but something about her was not the same. And when I asked her reason it left me rooted at my spot. Her sister-in-law's sister committed suicide on 1st April, 2016. Does that date ring a bell, other than the April fool? The same day Pratyusha Banerjee committed suicide. She was a gynecologist and her husband is an anesthesiologist. They recently inaugurated a hospital together. They have two children. A boy in F.Y.M.B.B.S and a lad who recently finished with his Tenth boards and went to Kota for IIT-JEE preparations. What more can one ask for? In the causes above you see some like poverty, unemployment, bankruptcy, illness and many more. She had none. All she did was to over think about the future of her kids. The elder one wasn't scoring the ace marks and that some how worried her about the upcoming of her hospital. On the doom's day, she wasn't naturally behaving normal and thus her husband asked her to take the day off but she insisted on continuing for the last operation. She did that successfully, congratulated the parents and went straight to home. She wrote a long descriptive letter before committing the crime. She neither wanted her kids to know nor her parents. She thought that they won't be able to take the sudden blow but what I kept on shouting on the inside while listening in rapt silence on the outside was if you had done a detailed and analytical study of the reactions and also stated all of it why in the first place did you commit suicide? If you cared so much then why didn't you try harder to combat the issues? And that's what I think every time when I read or hear a case of suicide. There are worst times and there will be even harder circumstances to face, if you lurch on the first step and decide to Quit at that very moment how are you going to ever reach the top? No battle was ever won without shredding the blood of others and sacrificing some of your own army. Dismay, defeat and destruction are parts of every ones life. If Virat Kohli is the best cricketer now doesn't mean he didn't ever get out on a golden duck. He had had his share of grief when he had to play on the day his father died. Smriti Irani, Minister of Human Resource Development, could have Quit the moment people worth nothing blamed her for her education and for every thing she did right. But she decided that if life is going to offer her lemon, she is going to make not only lemonade but also lemon tart, Popsicle, cake, candy and every other thing from them and she proved it when she cried at the parliament fighting for her dignity, respect and declaring her might to hold the post. She is just a well known instance of   fighting is better than quitting. For when you quit, the people you leave behind have to suffer your loss everyday for the rest of their lives. Don't be selfish, if you can't live for yourself live for others who care for you. The daughter you are, the sister you are and for the day when the mother you will be. Fight for your place, and have some self respect because nothing is ever gained from "Log kya kahenge?" but you walk a bit to the road of destination by exclaiming "Mujhe farak nahi padhta!" 

Facts by www.save.org 

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       © Aditi Tiwari 2016. All Rights Reserved. 

Dark Blue Anecdotes™