The Middle

Beginnings and endings are the easiest, it's the damned middle that has all the hardships. Think about a 100m sprint. You know the beginning. You have practiced it a thousand times. And you know the end. You've dreamt about it forever. But it's the middle that decides who'll win the race. The right acceleration at the right moment and the continuous fight for breath to keep giving your 100% are the real challenge. Life isn't much different and people neither.

When you begin to know a person, it's all flowers and rainbows. You start getting to know each other. The very basics. All you know about a person in the start is what they've told you. There are so many people in our life that we know only till the beginning stage. Think about it, your classmates, your colleagues, your bosses. What you know about them is strictly limited to the details they want you to know. But it's our choice to know a person beyond this. That's the gap between acquaintance and friend. We start asking questions and judging the response. It is still the answers that we know but to the questions we specifically asked. We start learning things that shape our perception  about the person. And that's when it gets tough. When we develop a liking towards a person. 

You wouldn't mind if your acquaintance took a day to reply to your message but if your friend does the same you start questioning their position. We think of all sorts of possibilities when in reality maybe he's just been really busy completing a deadline. The point I am trying to make is as a person starts getting closer to you, you start setting some unconscious standards about their behaviour. And also you start noticing the little variations in the person's personality. Your knowledge about your friends now is not comprised of what they've let on but of what you've observed. We start expecting certain things. We start getting hurt by things that are in reality nom existent. And this is where most friendships get complicated. Rather than perceiving things as they are we start comparing them. We start over thinking minute issues that could have been easily resolved if they were ever brought up by anyone of us. It's this utter state of dilemma when we like our friend a lot but also are in a constant fear of betrayal. The things are as simple as they were at the start but we have reached the rocky middle. 

We just need to remind ourselves of the reason why we thought that this person could be more than just an acquaintance. We need to put aside our assumption of things and try to look at the reality of them. We need to cast aside the false standards set by everyone else and remind ourselves of all the good times we had in the beginning. We need to ponder upon the fact that if the person is so special and important to us then why should we let trivial issues in the way of our relation. I am not saying that there aren't relationships and friendships that must be ended for our betterment. I am just saying that we must not lose hope just because the going got tough. 

As we aim at simplifying things, the simpler they seems to appear. Complications are results of trying to do things before their right time. 

Individuality

02.01.2020

Thursday

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It the world full of tags and mentions people really forget who they are. It doesn't count as a new year if you don't post a pic of it tagging your best buds who in reality you don't even see that often. You are a bore if you saw the latest TV series but didn't put a snap of their logo on your story on the day it released. It is not considered travelling anymore if you don't upload a picture with a geotag. 

I've been there and done that. Trust me, the FOMO caught up with me as well until one day it dawned upon me that the moments I live will be exactly the same even if I don't post it online. We live in a world where you are judged by how you portray your life on your social media account. Like from the DMs to the CCs everything is judged and a superficial report card is made out of the no. of likes you got on a recent post or the no. of followers you have. But submitting to my FOMO I continued to do the above nevertheless. 

I was at a party and someone came up to me and said, "Hey how's your best friend?" Although, I had no recollection whatsoever of sharing this very detail with her. I just gave her a blank look and she remarked, "People know you by your stories (the uploaded ones of course) nowadays and not by who you really are." And I was left stunned. Because it was actually true. People who didn't meet me 24*7 had only my social media activities to judge me by and for them my life is just what I upload. And that's when all of my social media accounts went cold. For a while. 

In that moment of introspection, I thought to myself, Do I really wanna share what I pt up there or I have caught the viral FOMO? And the answer was affirmative. 

You are what you are. What somebody else thinks of you should not matter to you. Not even the slightest. They haven't had the same life as you did. They haven't seen the same storms. They haven't felt the same energy as you did and even if they did, they have no right to judge you. Nor should you care for their judgement as well. 

The human race exists because we all are different from each other. In the way we think. The way we act. And we should be proud of that. Own who you are and let the world decipher and gaze in awe to what a fantastic mess you are. It doesn't matter if you go out thrice in a week or not at all. It doesn't matter if everyone else is complaining about season 8 and you haven't even heard the name of the infamous GoT.  It doesn't matter if you still prefer Sheila ki Jawaani over Taki Taki. You know why? Because it is who you really are and not some borrowed personality made up to impress a world that can't appreciate the reality. 

In a world full of hashtags be a symbol you like the most. ™

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© Aditi Tiwari 2019. 

The Platform Discussions

There are several places that complement quality conversations. For some people it’s the cafes. For others it’s a quite spot in college where no one ever comes. Others like buzzing places with lots of noises in the backdrop so no one can overhear their conversation. Basically, the type of surroundings plays a role in dictating the dynamics of the conversation.

Me and my best friend spend our entire day together. Right from the moment we leave our homes till we leave college to reach home back we are ceaselessly in conversation with each other regard topics that vary from the usual – “What did you have for breakfast?” to serious in-depth conversation about the political scenario of the nation. She is one of those people whom I can talk to about the whole lot of things without getting jaded even once.

Yet, the best conversations we have are at the Platform. One of the most dramatic ones too. It is the end of the day. We leave from the college which is at walking distance from the station but the exhausted us take an auto rickshaw and even so we have to summit the great foot over bridge which seems as magnificent as the Everest. And so slowly and steadily we cross the bridge. Now earlier we used to bid each other goodbye and head the respective opposite ways with a mandatory confirmation that we both are attending the lectures tomorrow or not. But of late, unconsciously it has become a habit to discuss all kinds of stuff before parting ways.

Its an exceptional moment. The crowd around us is rushing to catch the train that’ll take them home. The other lot is rushing away from the station to quickly reach home. Everywhere the eyes can go there is a hurry in every step. People eager to leave and reach and there we are right where the foot over bridge ends and the platform begins. Both wanting to go home after a tiring day but also not wanting o leave each other so soon. And that’s the best part of the day. One eye fixed at the huge clock of the railway station and the other finding the platform for the next train that is five minutes later than the one that just left so as to prolong the discussion.

It is not that this is the last day of college. We are still half way to the farewell but it is just that we like spending our time together. Discussing our ambitions, inhibitions, reservations and perceptions. All we want is the train to be 2 minutes late so that we can finish an on going discussion because we know the value of that moment and quickly moments like this will become memories we’ll crave to recreate.

And thus, in the fast-moving lives we all must pause for a moment, and cherish the present. For it is all we have someday wished for. And it is something we will wish we had valued when looking back after some life has passed.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2019. Dark Blue Anecdotes™

After an year or so

I was just browsing through some videos on YouTube and came across a song that made me open my blog. I don't know why it just did and I realized that it has almost been an year or so since I last wrote. Its not like I can't think of anything to write about.. its just that I could not bring myself to write it down. So since my twelfth board exams concluded I haven't done anything productive yet and that it about almost three months. I got admission in the college I wanted and I am just waiting for it to start. I can't wait to meet new people and make new friends. You know maybe they are the ones that stuck. Or maybe not. And talking about friends and old one popped on my WhatsApp chat list few days back. It had been like five to six months since I had last talked to her properly. But that didn't seem to matter. We talked like it was just yesterday we had our last conversation. But then soon enough she stopped replying. But that's typical her.  But forgetting her and going back to the start of this post what I was really looking on YouTube was clips of a show I used to watch like an idiot. The Vampire Diaries. And my heart just goes out for the main couple in the start but things don't work out between them and they weren't exactly what I was watching. Actually the song I was listening to was one that played in the back when two of the people on show kissed for the first and BTW its a great song Yours By Ella Henderson. So on that note I'd like to end this post and hope that I'd be writing again soon. Till then goodbye.

... "Niether." "Either."

4th November 2017

Saturday

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96 days have passed since the last post on the blog and the resolution I took in that post but frankly speaking I think we have grown more closer since that post. I know you better than the four years put together. But yet you don't know me at all. 

 

But on the other hand you claim to know everything about me. Well now that's an issue because.

Everything you know about me or related to me should come from what you have heard from me. But in our case its everything you have heard from everywhere but me. And the sad part is you didn't        even ask me if anything you heard was true. You just believed the other person so easily. And the saddest part is the treasured chat that I saved as PDF in my mobile which I believed to be ours was me talking to a stranger and you let me believe that it was you for about five months and your reason for never telling me the truth about it was you thought I would have figured it out. Kudos to you! For as vividly I remember you were quite upset when I didn't tell you a thing that hardly mattered to anyone of us. I wish at that time even I could have acted like "I thought you already figured it out." But no. You got a full fledged apology from my side when all I got from you was sarcasm. You prefer that I should remember each and every little thing about you when you can't even remember the most common thing about me. Why is it so that every time you want me to be at my best possible behavior while you treat me like shit. And don't you think that all this is coming from me. As even when you treat me like shit, I do believe that at least there is a way you treat me in. But you know what enough non-existing people had told me to quit talking to you and just give up on our friendship but yet I had a hope that you would come back. That it would be like the extra-classes once again that once for all of this aside we'd be friends again. But sadly however blind I maybe to how you treat me the world isn't. And the world had to matter to me sometime. I could not let anyone anymore think that you could treat me like shit and I would go on tolerating it no matter what. Congratulations to you, you let everyone speak in between us even when you supposedly know that I hate it when anyone speaks in between the two of us. Until the last post only you heard to everyone else. But after that even I started paying some attention myself.

Its not that you treat me badly or something, its just that you never treat me the way I treat you and that my friend is the end of our friendship. Because friendship is a two way road and I am tired of walking all alone to reach a destination where you'll pick someone else mid-way.

Aditi Tiwari.

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©  Aditi Tiwari 2017. DBA™ All Rights Reserved.

I Miss You

30th July 2017

Sunday

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Its been 4 years. And yet today on a Sunday night when I was watching Castle (TV Series) binge on YouTube the first thing on my mind was you.

You taught me, more about myself, than I thought there was to learn. 

If it wasn't for you I would have never even tried to mend the faults in my personality that were the main causes of us spending each of the passing day apart but after four years of all of that I miss you. I miss that the only reason I used to go to bed was so that when I wake up I could call you and wish you good morning. I miss the nights where we wold talk every possible shit. I miss having someone for whom I didn't have to change settings under the Privacy head. I miss having a friend who didn't judge me no matter what.

I miss you. And each day that I have to look you in the eyes and pretend that I don't give a damn about you is so hard that to balance that amount of rudeness during the day I have spend tears repenting it at the night. 

You easily say that its you who is careless and worthless of my friendship but its very hard to see you behave so politely with everyone but me. Its almost trashing to not even bother about my last birthday with you but yet seeing you so excited almost two weeks before a mutual friend's birthday.

But you know what, I know you aren't going to read this and nothing I say even bothers you enough that you give it a millisecond thought but I had, I have and I will always care for you no matter what. Maybe I ain't deserving of your friendship but I can live with the guilt that I could never be a good and trustworthy friends to you but I can't live with the fact that you can't  even fake that you care for me. So as of today, I officially rid myself off your life. 

Aditi Tiwari

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. All Rights Reserved. DBA™ 

Trust

But like always this is also going to be an anonymous post. 

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22nd July 2017

Saturday

A Saturday and you were not there. Physically. Because the 12th yet, you haven't left my mind since. But its definitely hard to not see you there in front of me. Though our friendship never saw the 

bright sunshine because each we hope for a twilight we face a breaking dawn. and so was the last month. Its time that we talked.

 Talked. We speak with n-number of people daily. But we talk to only the ones we trust. Well trust is the chief fault in my personality. I give it often and gain it randomly but lose it daily. Trust issues are an additional bonus if you be friends with someone called Aditi Tiwari. But I never violated or breached trust. 

Speaking about something important to someone to a third person should not always count as a violation of trust. Maybe I trusted the third person. That's my bad that I never understand people. The problem is I never judge a person on hearsay and looks. Maybe I should. Because these days people are exactly how they look. Mean and Selfish.

But why do we let people in between us? Why always we give a third person the right into our friendship? Why can't it just be me and you? You call me your best friend? I am not. Because best friends sort their matters themselves. The don't publicly insult each other. And above all they

trust each other.  

I trust you. I hate you, do you hate me too?

 Aditi Tiwari

11.17 PM 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. All Rights Reserved. DBA™