After an year or so

I was just browsing through some videos on YouTube and came across a song that made me open my blog. I don't know why it just did and I realized that it has almost been an year or so since I last wrote. Its not like I can't think of anything to write about.. its just that I could not bring myself to write it down. So since my twelfth board exams concluded I haven't done anything productive yet and that it about almost three months. I got admission in the college I wanted and I am just waiting for it to start. I can't wait to meet new people and make new friends. You know maybe they are the ones that stuck. Or maybe not. And talking about friends and old one popped on my WhatsApp chat list few days back. It had been like five to six months since I had last talked to her properly. But that didn't seem to matter. We talked like it was just yesterday we had our last conversation. But then soon enough she stopped replying. But that's typical her.  But forgetting her and going back to the start of this post what I was really looking on YouTube was clips of a show I used to watch like an idiot. The Vampire Diaries. And my heart just goes out for the main couple in the start but things don't work out between them and they weren't exactly what I was watching. Actually the song I was listening to was one that played in the back when two of the people on show kissed for the first and BTW its a great song Yours By Ella Henderson. So on that note I'd like to end this post and hope that I'd be writing again soon. Till then goodbye.

... "Niether." "Either."

4th November 2017

Saturday

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96 days have passed since the last post on the blog and the resolution I took in that post but frankly speaking I think we have grown more closer since that post. I know you better than the four years put together. But yet you don't know me at all. 

 

But on the other hand you claim to know everything about me. Well now that's an issue because.

Everything you know about me or related to me should come from what you have heard from me. But in our case its everything you have heard from everywhere but me. And the sad part is you didn't        even ask me if anything you heard was true. You just believed the other person so easily. And the saddest part is the treasured chat that I saved as PDF in my mobile which I believed to be ours was me talking to a stranger and you let me believe that it was you for about five months and your reason for never telling me the truth about it was you thought I would have figured it out. Kudos to you! For as vividly I remember you were quite upset when I didn't tell you a thing that hardly mattered to anyone of us. I wish at that time even I could have acted like "I thought you already figured it out." But no. You got a full fledged apology from my side when all I got from you was sarcasm. You prefer that I should remember each and every little thing about you when you can't even remember the most common thing about me. Why is it so that every time you want me to be at my best possible behavior while you treat me like shit. And don't you think that all this is coming from me. As even when you treat me like shit, I do believe that at least there is a way you treat me in. But you know what enough non-existing people had told me to quit talking to you and just give up on our friendship but yet I had a hope that you would come back. That it would be like the extra-classes once again that once for all of this aside we'd be friends again. But sadly however blind I maybe to how you treat me the world isn't. And the world had to matter to me sometime. I could not let anyone anymore think that you could treat me like shit and I would go on tolerating it no matter what. Congratulations to you, you let everyone speak in between us even when you supposedly know that I hate it when anyone speaks in between the two of us. Until the last post only you heard to everyone else. But after that even I started paying some attention myself.

Its not that you treat me badly or something, its just that you never treat me the way I treat you and that my friend is the end of our friendship. Because friendship is a two way road and I am tired of walking all alone to reach a destination where you'll pick someone else mid-way.

Aditi Tiwari.

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©  Aditi Tiwari 2017. DBA™ All Rights Reserved.

I Miss You

30th July 2017

Sunday

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Its been 4 years. And yet today on a Sunday night when I was watching Castle (TV Series) binge on YouTube the first thing on my mind was you.

You taught me, more about myself, than I thought there was to learn. 

If it wasn't for you I would have never even tried to mend the faults in my personality that were the main causes of us spending each of the passing day apart but after four years of all of that I miss you. I miss that the only reason I used to go to bed was so that when I wake up I could call you and wish you good morning. I miss the nights where we wold talk every possible shit. I miss having someone for whom I didn't have to change settings under the Privacy head. I miss having a friend who didn't judge me no matter what.

I miss you. And each day that I have to look you in the eyes and pretend that I don't give a damn about you is so hard that to balance that amount of rudeness during the day I have spend tears repenting it at the night. 

You easily say that its you who is careless and worthless of my friendship but its very hard to see you behave so politely with everyone but me. Its almost trashing to not even bother about my last birthday with you but yet seeing you so excited almost two weeks before a mutual friend's birthday.

But you know what, I know you aren't going to read this and nothing I say even bothers you enough that you give it a millisecond thought but I had, I have and I will always care for you no matter what. Maybe I ain't deserving of your friendship but I can live with the guilt that I could never be a good and trustworthy friends to you but I can't live with the fact that you can't  even fake that you care for me. So as of today, I officially rid myself off your life. 

Aditi Tiwari

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. All Rights Reserved. DBA™ 

Trust

But like always this is also going to be an anonymous post. 

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22nd July 2017

Saturday

A Saturday and you were not there. Physically. Because the 12th yet, you haven't left my mind since. But its definitely hard to not see you there in front of me. Though our friendship never saw the 

bright sunshine because each we hope for a twilight we face a breaking dawn. and so was the last month. Its time that we talked.

 Talked. We speak with n-number of people daily. But we talk to only the ones we trust. Well trust is the chief fault in my personality. I give it often and gain it randomly but lose it daily. Trust issues are an additional bonus if you be friends with someone called Aditi Tiwari. But I never violated or breached trust. 

Speaking about something important to someone to a third person should not always count as a violation of trust. Maybe I trusted the third person. That's my bad that I never understand people. The problem is I never judge a person on hearsay and looks. Maybe I should. Because these days people are exactly how they look. Mean and Selfish.

But why do we let people in between us? Why always we give a third person the right into our friendship? Why can't it just be me and you? You call me your best friend? I am not. Because best friends sort their matters themselves. The don't publicly insult each other. And above all they

trust each other.  

I trust you. I hate you, do you hate me too?

 Aditi Tiwari

11.17 PM 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. All Rights Reserved. DBA™

Strangers... Friends... Strangers.

Aisa bhi kya milna, saath ho ke tanha
Aisi kyun saza humne hai paayi
Raanjhna ve, phir se mujhe jeena
Tujhpe hai marna,
Phir se dil ne di hai ye duhaai
Saajna ve, lakeeron pe likh di kyu judaai

22nd June 2017 

Thursday 

I remember writing a post where I mentioned a day like that won't repeat itself in the near future but I guess I was wrong and I underestimated my life. Because if a day like today repeats itself then maybe I wont write anymore. So starting your today cannot be good when you had a messed up yesterday. And so was mine. I fought with you and I said everything that I shouldn't have but so did you, didn't you? You just managed to piss me off enough to realize my greatest fear of all time. To abandon you. We always used to kid that "Do you seriously think I'll leave you? Just like that?" but yesterday I did. And I know you must be thinking I reacting on an issue that no of your other friends do but then am I like all your other friends? I don't know. Are we even friends? I honestly don't know. But then I asked you not speak with me for a while and I think you just.. Well read on because a couple of drastic things happened between that. So Business Studies paper and I was sitting in front of you (a different person than before) and you are glued to your notebook. I know we had a fight that we kept on hold for our exams but that didn't mean to ignore each other. I was yet there. Like everyday before. I was there but even you had to piss me off enough to leave with swearing and not even wishing you luck. And then till now we had no conversation whatsoever. I was heading towards the bus top with a couple of friends who have grown closer than you two I suppose. The people with whom I was supposed to leave were atleast halfway ahead of me. I had an urge every now and then to go join them but I guess fate kept me away as when I was about to cross the highway with a friend we saw our classmates rushing towards the middle of the road. The people whom I was supposed to belonged with at that very moment met with an accident. A biker lost control and hit one of my friends. And the other just fell from the impact. They got hurt but nothing major. Back home tired AF as routine I plugged in my earphones and started watching 13 reasons why. The plan was to watch one episode (11th) and get some sleep. But lately life wasn't going at all according to what I plan. So I ended up sacrificing my beloved sleep for completion of the first season. And then did I regret it? Not even a bit. It was just perfect! But then my enjoyment was short lived as I had to prepare for the Economics paper that is due tomorrow. That's all folks! Till now that's all. Oh wait I forgot. Yeah so when I went to walk after studies you (the first one) saw me. You did see me. Even if for a spilt second but you ignored me even faster. But I shouldn't fell bad, right? You were just.. I don't know 'following' me? Following what I said to not speak with me for a while. Then why did I feel so bad that here I am writing this fucked up post about you? About us? But then you left, I left, right? I guess what you and me are left with are memories and strangeness. Because from strangers... To friends... To strangers. Both of you. 

That's all. 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. DBA™ All Rights Reserved. 

Aisa bhi kya milna, saath hoke tanha
Aisi kyun sazaa humne hai paayi, Ranjhana ve
Phir se mujhe jeena, tujhpe hai marna
Phir se dil ne di hai ye duhaai, Saajnaa ve
Laqeeron pe likh di kyun judaai..

Read more: http://www.lyricsmint.com/2015/01/judaai-badlapur.html

Aisa bhi kya milna, saath hoke tanha
Aisi kyun sazaa humne hai paayi, Ranjhana ve
Phir se mujhe jeena, tujhpe hai marna
Phir se dil ne di hai ye duhaai, Saajnaa ve
Laqeeron pe likh di kyun judaai..

Read more: http://www.lyricsmint.com/2015/01/judaai-badlapur.html

Change for the good!

A day that won't repeat itself in the near future. I took a leave from school today to go the camp set up by the government for my learning license. We stood there from 9.30 to 1.45 straight for about four hours to get the work done. And then after coming back home I went to play cricket because however bad my legs
hurt cricket is love and there are days when I have no one to play with. So coming back to the point of writing this post was while I was going through my Instagram feed I found a page Quotes World which posts well know quotes from all around the world. So one of the quotes was "A year changes you a lot." And that's the last post I read today because this quote actually made sense. Not that the others didn't but this one left a major impact on me. Last year if we consider my eleventh standard then yes it has changed me a lot. And how.. Well read on. Frankly speaking I don't even know how did I finish a year so boring! I mean literally there is not one good moment to look back to. I have enjoyed far more in the one month of twelfth standard than the whole of eleventh. But then maybe this was the reason I changed. I look back to the chats with the person who is so important to me now and all we talked in eleventh was for exchange of notes. Just that. And I am a person who doesn't make friends with a lot of people. I mean I do but a very few of them really matter to me. And when in eleventh with probably no friend at all in the class I realized the smaller that list is the better. Because caring about more and more people is only going to bring disappointments in your life. Eleventh also taught me an emotion called patience. Because during the initial months of the commerce field I chose I would understand nothing taught in class and it all seemed so useless. The same things that are so fun now. That I often used to doubt my selection of stream. But that's when I told myself to be patient. And then with the flow of time things got smooth and now I am so in love with commerce specially Business Studies that I won't trade it for the world. My temperament also changed a lot. I was way too short tempered before. If you really know me you'll know what I am talking about and how much I have changed. Like even petty things would get me fired up AF. But now even in the most heated arguments I have learned to keep a cool head. With the exception of some people. Because out of all the things in this world, words are something you can't take back. So choose them wisely even when you are angry. And the last thing that the last year taught me was to choose your friends wisely. Though however I am yet not so good but believe me I am much better. Because when you have no one to share all your happiness and sorrows you feel kinda lonely but trust me it's much better than sharing those with the wrong people. At this moment if at all anyone really matters to me like their opinion is the first thing I seek whenever in dilemma, their text is the one that lights up my entire mood, their face is the first thing I want to see in the morning and they are the one whom I want to talk to right before I sleep. So a person like this, only and only one. And I hope this doesn't change because we both enjoy unshared attention for each other, by each other. The person's a she definitely. But I wont reveal who. I have other friends too but they don't matter this much to me. But then again if I spend a day without talking to her obviously my mood isn't the best but not that bad too as I have some other idiots who keep me distracted in their own weird way. So to sum it up eleventh was a learning experience and twelfth is showtime! That's all.

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. DBA™ All Rights Reserved.

Somethings Are Best Unsaid

2nd June 2017

Friday

Ahh.. Today was a long day and I am in no mood to write this one at least but then the feelings will get bottled up and I am in no mood to face another outburst. So somethings are best unsaid. That's true. But can you really deal with something that constantly keeps eating you on the inside. I mean the more happier I pretend to be the more depressed I am on the inside. Is it a crime to care for someone? To get attached to someone? And moreover is it okay to really want someone in your life and what if you are unknowingly making them uncomfortable with your mere presence? How does that make you feel about yourself? Guilty? Well that's what I felt. Like seriously, I was feeling guilty about getting attached to someone. You know I have this thing. I feel that until I say something out loud it won't be true but today I bottled up the courage to state that it  hurts when you give your 100% in a friendship and don't even receive 20% in return. I could smile all day and put of a happy face and say that it doesn't matter but at the end of the day it does matter. and it does hurt. But then what are you going to do? Continue and make someone uncomfortable or back out completely? I was having the same dilemma and wanted to speak to someone about it. I called my bae but she wasn't there. I called my brother and he wasn't there. For once I felt that sometimes you gotta face the terrible things happening in your life yourself. But then I remembered an old friend to whom I haven't spoken for 2 straight years. But that was my last resort. I called her and it felt like just yesterday that I last talked to her. She didn't change even a bit. She heard me with all the patience in the world and provided me with some solutions so that I don't get trapped in a depressed web of feelings. Then my bae called me and her response was totally different. She wanted me to fight it with anger this time. She felt I was done being sweet but all that was because she can't see me like this. Broken. But at the end of the day I need to sort up things myself. Do I feel bad? Definitely. Do I feel good that I shared it with the person? Yes. Do I feel I jeopardized our friendship? I don't know. But now I am going to keep myself under check and not get attached to anyone. I need t shut that door if I want to live a peaceful life. Another piece of advice from my side, even if you get attached to someone a lot, don't show. They might not always like it. 

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© Aditi Tiwari 2017. All Rights Reserved. DBA™